Secrets
by rawrchelle
Summary: Sasuke/Sakura. Naruto/Sakura. She loves Sasuke to the point that she’ll never tell him the things she desperately wants to scream out the most.


**dedication:** for my fanartist. for some reason unknown to me, she goes by "glor". i actually don't know if she'll read this, but whatever. :)

**notes:** i kind of wanted to portray sasuke's stupidity, because i think he's even stupider than naruto, quite honestly. and i wanted to portray how strong sakura is, because she's my favorite female character in naruto because she actually goes through something called _character growth_. so, um, yeah.

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ten things that sakura will never tell sasuke out of her love for him._

10.

She can fight.

She can break bones with a flick of her finger, rip apart organs at the brush of her hand, and shatter the earth with an effortless heel to the ground. She can kill mercilessly as soon as she goes on autopilot and shuts off everything compassionate about herself.

Naruto knows this. He's seen her during a mission when she ripped apart nukenin after nukenin. He's seen her trudge back to camp, eyes empty and pale face streaked with blood.

Naruto's also seen her break down when what she's done has finally sunk in.

In a cave in who knows where, they're dripping wet from the rain, but their clothes are still soaked with blood. The fire is crackling, but she still feels so cold. Naruto draws closer to her, and her hands are shaking and she just sits there, hopeless and crying and _what has she done and how many lives has she taken?_

"Don't tell Sasuke," she whispers desperately, brokenly. She doesn't want Sasuke to see her as the merciless killing machine she's trained to be. Supposed to be.

She's strong. She can stand on her own.

But Sasuke doesn't know. And she doesn't tell him.

9.

She's independent. She's a woman. She's mature.

Her first time is with Naruto, in his smelly apartment. His bed is small, and they're clumsy and their limbs are tangled and their noses bump every time they kiss, but when it's all said and done, they lie close to each other so they don't fall off the small bed, and they whisper to each other and she smiles because Naruto's so warm and bright and everything Sasuke never was.

The next morning, she gets out of that comfortably small bed and leaves before he wakes up. She deems it a mistake, because she promised Sasuke all of those years ago that she'll be there, waiting for him—always waiting for him, because when he comes back, he'll need her more than anything.

She ignores Naruto's broken expression the next time he sees her.

Sasuke will never know about this.

8.

Eventually, she sees Sai as a teammate instead of Sasuke's replacement. Eventually, she grows to love Sai as much, if not more than Sasuke.

They're nineteen, and they find Sasuke with his team in the Earth Country. Naruto shouts things like how he's going to bring him back this time no matter what, and how he's gotten a lot stronger and he won't lose this time and _teme, are you seriously still wearing that ass-bow?_

The pale-haired one—Suigetsu's his name—grins toothily. Sasuke gives him a nod; the permission for battle. Suigetsu immediately leaps towards Naruto. Sai heads towards Jugo, and Sakura towards Karin. Kakashi and Sasuke stand still for a few moments before engaging in battle as well. Sakura doesn't even have time to appreciate the poetic moment.

The fight seems to be evening out, until a mighty roar echoes in the area. Sakura locks Karin in a tight hold before her eyes begin to flit from battle to battle, until she finds Jugo having turned into a monster that looks much too familiar for her liking.

Sai's caught off guard, and Jugo knocks him to the side as if he's a fly. His lithe body slams into a tree, and she hears a sickening crack.

"Sai!" Sakura immediately drops her hold on Karin and races towards him. If his spine has snapped the wrong way, he might be paralyzed for life.

His smile looks infallible as she takes him into her arms and asks him where the pain is. "Stop crying, Sakura. Do you _want_ to look uglier than you already are?"

She's surprised, because when did she start crying?

Ignoring the salty tears dripping off her chin—he _can't_ die, he _can't_ be paralyzed—Sai has to be okay, because if he's not okay, who's going to be there to call her ugly and who's going to be there to listen to her ramble and _who's going to be there to smile at her awkwardly and attempt being nice and try to be everything Sasuke wasn't?_

But just because she loves Sai this much, that doesn't mean that she doesn't want Sasuke back. And knowing Sasuke, he'll misunderstand everything.

She hopes he doesn't see how desperately she's crying.

7.

She admires Neji's hair. And she thinks it's beautiful.

More beautiful than Sasuke's hair by a long shot.

6.

She keeps her hair short for him.

There are nights when she sits on her bed and stares at the picture of Team Seven and how they should be, and she cries and how happy and oblivious she looks in that one moment. She looks at Kakashi's crinkled eye as he smiles, Naruto's crossed arms and Sasuke's glare as he looks right through her.

She cries, because she tried so hard back then, and all he's done is look right through her.

It's been a rumor for years that Uchiha Sasuke likes girls with long hair. Even though he's long gone, Sakura still thinks of it. She keeps it short.

She keeps her hair short, because she doesn't want Sasuke falling in love with her when he returns. Because the girl he used to know her as isn't there anymore, and this new girl that took her place doesn't want to be loved by him.

"Those were the good days," Naruto says, flopping backwards onto the grass. Sai speculates the picture in his hands.

"Sakura, why did you cut your hair short?"

She smiles a little fondly at the memory as she twirls a lock of hair around her pointer finger.

"Let's just say…it got in the way."

5.

Sasuke's return horrifies her.

What has she been doing ever since he left? She's been rebuilding herself and rebuilding Naruto and rebuilding everything that Sasuke broke—and he's coming back to break everything again.

Itachi's dead and all is well; Sasuke's come home and his skill is back on Konoha's side again, but it doesn't feel like a happy ending. It feels like the beginning of a nightmare.

Sakura knows it's coming.

It happens two months after he returns. She just finishes a late shift at the hospital and making her way home in the empty streets when he stops her. He's wearing the traditional Uchiha collared shirt with the fan emblazoned on the back—looking so much like the old Sasuke, but at the same time, a completely different person.

"I want you to bear my children," he deadpans, and she can't help but think how _Sasuke_ it is, to demand something like that with such a straight face.

He obviously takes her silence as a _yes, I'm still in love with you; take me now_, when really, it's the absolute opposite, and crushes her body against his. He kisses her in such a way that makes her want to cry, but she can't stop him, because he's Sasuke and she loves Sasuke, and she vowed to herself all of those years ago that she'll do anything Sasuke wants—even if it's this.

Every time Sasuke kisses her, every time they're in bed and he's inside of her, she wills herself to moan his name and block out everything painful and just go with it.

But Sasuke knows none of this.

4.

She's thrown away her entire life for him.

They're assembled as Team Seven again, just like the old days—and it's strange, because where's Sai? Where's that comforting, awkward artist who's been there for them for years and years and years?

Sasuke holds up an arm in front of her and grunts, "Stay back." She understands what he's trying to say; it really means: _You're just a medic, and you can't defend yourself. You're the slowest learner in our entire team, and you always need defending and it's annoying. You're just Sakura, and you're useless when it comes to battle._

And if that's how he wants to see her, then fine. If she proves him otherwise, she'll shatter his image of Team Seven, and enough of his life has already shattered before his eyes—he doesn't need anything else breaking anymore.

Kakashi doesn't say a word at this, even though he eyes her for a moment before springing into battle.

She avoids Naruto's gaze. She can just imagine his expression—_"Prove that bastard wrong, Sakura-chan! Beat them up and show him how much stronger you've gotten!"_—but he doesn't understand that not everything is about proving to Sasuke—it's about making Sasuke feel his own self worth.

She doesn't want Sasuke to know how strong she's become.

3.

She's in love with Naruto.

She's been in love with Naruto since that fateful day in his smelly apartment when they shared his small bed, and she realizes that she'll never fall out of love with him. It isn't a blind infatuation like her childish love for Sasuke—it's a devotion to protect him and prove to him she's worth it and to let him protect her too.

And it hurts, because she knows that they could've started so long ago; like perfection, like smiles and laughter, like happiness—but they didn't.

She isn't sure if she hides it successfully from Naruto, because sometimes, he still looks at her _that_ way, and he still wraps his arm around her shoulder _that_ way, and he still hugs her _that_ way and kisses her on the cheek _that_ way and she just wishes he'd stop and open his eyes and see how she's not worth his time and how he should find someone that'll truly make him _happy_, because God knows she's tried and she's tried and she just _can't_.

It hurts.

When she's sure Sasuke's asleep, she cries quietly with her back facing him. There's one time when he shifts a little and asks her what's wrong in that empty voice of his. She sniffs, wipes away the tears and turns to face him, smiling.

"Just crying at how happy I am."

Sasuke has unknowingly trained her to be the perfect liar.

2.

When their first child is born, she can't feel any more broken. He has fine dark hairs on his head and the prettiest green eyes that just break her heart.

As he grows up, he comes home from the academy every day with the brightest smile on his face, yelling in delight, "Mommy! Daddy!" He leaps into her arms, and she can almost cry because she's so happy that this son is hers, but she's so jaded at knowing that this isn't really the life she wanted. And Sasuke comes up, and she can see the ghost of a smile on his lips, and she knows that she's done her job, and she can relax and let loose now.

But she can't go back to what used to be.

Somehow, though, she thinks it's worth it—because Sasuke is finally where he wants to be.

1.

She loves Sasuke, but she doesn't _love_ Sasuke—but she'll pretend for as long as she has to, if that's what he needs.


End file.
